how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
