and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
