allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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