just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
