i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
