How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
