2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
