Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize