I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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