I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
