I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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