My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
