that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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