i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
