And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
