I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
