I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
