I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize