What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
