Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
