I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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