I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize