I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize