Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
