His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize