I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
