It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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