The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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