Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
