just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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