So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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