She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
