You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
