I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
