The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
