this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just want nice things and good sex
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
