I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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