bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
