Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize