Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
