she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
