just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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