I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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