whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
