i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
did you just send me my own nude
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
