dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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