A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Welp...herpes.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
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