if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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