I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
