The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
