I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
