well I can't set my house on fire every night
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
