Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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