Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
