Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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