I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
